Running out of Time

I lost my dad a week and two days ago. I'm trying to stay busy because my routine is different now. My dad's death wasn't a surprise. I knew it was coming. But I just didn't know when. Knowing what a fighter he was, I probably thought I had more time with him than I really did.

When I thought about all the stuff my dad enjoyed and couldn't get around to doing anymore, it broke and still does break my heart. Procrastination can kill you.

 I wrote this poem a few days before he departed.

RUNNING OUT OF TIME

There will never be enough time

Even though my time is unlimited

All the things we wanted to do 

that got put off for another day

Because I was too lazy to go out

Or didn't want to brave the cold.

All the days the sun shone bright, and the breeze was fragrant with the smell of spring

And we never got outside

Because it might be too hard

Or too dangerous

Or we just were procrastinating

And another day

Became another week

Another month

Another year

Another Lifetime

We can reminisce about all the wonderful places we used to go, when we could still get around

And your eyes were sharp enough to drive

We can fondly remember the ordinary things we did daily that were clearly taken for granted

Meanwhile, there are boxes full of books you wanted to read, albums full of photos you couldn't bear to look at

Because we don't want to be sad

Knowing those people and places are gone

Boxes full of treasures that should be seen and appreciated sitting idle in the basement

Because we have no desire to unpack.

Unpacking would mean that we really are here

In this new place

To live "happily ever after"

even if we aren't.

There is a lot we could embrace, and be thankful for

But that would be giving in,

And admitting the dream is gone.

The dream, you see

Was just to have back 

what we never should have lost in the first place.

But as John Lennon said,

"Life is what happens when you were making other plans."

And the dream only remains 

in your mind and spirit

And all that's left behind, as I piss away another day 

Is a lifetime of regret that I let you down

and threw it all away.

So now I go on without you

and try to make amends

It's hard not to get misty reading that. It's dark and negative, but it is true. It hurts to think if I had done this or that, we would have had a better outcome. But I can't change what has already happened. I can only change the future. So I'm trying to do meaningful things.

I should clarify that I really do like it here in our new home, but it takes time to adjust to a new place after being somewhere else a half century!! I'll continue to try and live my life to the fullest. Even if it's not easy.

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