Two Years Since Cindy said Goodbye

 

WHO COULD RESIST THAT SMILE?

    Two years ago today, I brought my 15 year old dog Cindy to the vet and came out with an empty leash.     Things have never been the same.

Just a couple of days ago, I came across the sympathy card they sent me from the vet's office. Signed from all the vets with messages of support. 

    A ziploc baggie was inside with short cuttings of her fur, and three little pieces of cardboard with her paw prints in ink-not sure why they only sent three, but I was happy to get those. 

    I read all the little notes they wrote, and the sadness flooded back. How hard it was, and what would I had done if my brother in law hadn't helped me, getting her into his car, driving me to the vets a few different times as we tried to fatten her up. The ambitious plan they had wasn't meant to be, it only made things worse. My decision was made for me.

    The last day was a relief, knowing it would be over soon. But she didn't want to go, and it was agonizing for us both, lying together on the floor they had spread out with blankets, and a pillow under her head, like she was a person. 

    Time stood still as we waited for the fatal dose to put her down. It took forever because she had such a strong will. The vet told me she needed twice the dose it normally takes to get the job done. 

    I hope Cindy understood after she went over the rainbow bridge. I had to set her free. Even though it hurt, it was the best thing I could have done for her, the only way to end her pain and give her back her carefree spirit.

    My dad never got over losing her. I guess I did, but I still think of her every day. She was everything you could want in a dog. Loyal, loving and happy. At least now the two of you are together again. Rest and run in peace, both of you. I love you.

Until we meet again, be a good girl!

TREASURE HUNTING

    It's a cloudy Sunday, but I've had a great day. I finally decided to tackle a daunting task: Go through and organize my belongings. Not things I currently use, mind you. Things that I boxed and bagged up when we moved. 

    For the most part, I know what I packed. I just don't know where some of my most prized possessions  are. Either I know I have it (but it's in a "safe place"),  or I think I have it, but I'm worried I don't. A lot of my stuff was already in boxes or tote bags with handles, or old pocketbooks. 

    There are trash bags and duffel bags of clothes, many I forgot about completely.  Some of them probably don't fit anymore, but I may be able to re-purpose them into something else. Or maybe give some of them away.

    I became totally absorbed looking through my old treasures. It was like  a dumpster dive into my past, except the dumpster was full of great, exciting things that I forgot about and love. I've been putting off this job for awhile, because when you look at all those boxes and bags, it can be overwhelming. I know it's all "good" stuff because I didn't bring anything that wasn't.  

    So what did I find today? Things that made me feel nostalgic. I had folders of old school papers, that were in my desk. Some of it I wonder why I saved. But I did come across a lot of things I wrote when I was a teenager, and I had my whole life ahead of me. Some of it was even from Junior high! Not sure why I get a kick out of that. I guess most of us like to remember when we were young.

    I was happy to find many treasures that were given to me by my friend Michaela. She passed away in 2016, but I have so many thoughtful little gifts she gave me over the years (we became pen pals in 1993.) We had so many of the same interests. I'm so grateful to have been a part of her life.

    I have an amazing collection of stuffed animals, and I love them all! I just need to throw them in the wash, then I can display them. They all have wonderful memories attached to them. 

    The best thing that happens when you sort through old stuff is finding something you aren't expecting, that you totally forgot about. There are a few specific items I've been hoping to find, and I thought I had a much better chance of finding them if I'm not looking!

    I was very surprised to find three boxes of "raw" agate that I bought back in the 80's when I had a rock tumbler! The tumbler is long gone, but I've been thinking about getting another one. Rock tumbling is a long process, but it was fun seeing the stones transform from rough and plain to shiny gems. Now I will have to get a new one!

    I used to have a massive collection of old advertising tins. Most of the tins were left behind, but I was happy to discover that I still have quite a few of them. 

    I still have lots more things to go through. It will keep me busy for awhile, and that's a good thing. It's a good feeling to see old things that remind you of who you were way back when.  It makes you think! I'm full of gratitude that even though I can never go back home, the things I brought here are an extension of that old place. And at least I have my memories.

    

    

FINDING MY OLD STUFF!

    After Months and months, I finally decided to start organizing some of my stuff. When we had help moving it out of the pod, some of the boxes were put in a room off the kitchen. We call it the den, because at home we had a room off the kitchen, and it was "the den". Dad's stereo equipment, massive record collection, a big wooden chair, and lots of other stuff was there. It was a great room with the best blue floral wallpaper. I tried to peel a piece off the wall to bring with me, but it didn't come off. At least I have photos of it.

    Our new den has bare white walls, as do all the rooms downstairs in the new house. But that's OK, we aren't trying to recreate the old den. That would be impossible, especially since I didn't bring all the special beer bottles that were adorning the thin ledge over the molding on the walls under the wall paper. I later found out people actually collect old beer bottes. They were from the 70's, so I probably threw away a small fortune. Don't tell anybody!

    This was my first move, but I'm sure anybody reading this is familiar with having the part with things.  When you move, you just can't take all of it with you. In my case, some of my packing was last minute and not very organized. So there are things I wish I could find, but I have no idea where the heck they are. I'm sure they are safely packed in a box, but which box? I didn't mark all of them. 

    Another problem with me is that I am way too nostalgic at times. I guess I'm a pack rack too. I hate to throw anything away that has a memory attached to it. Or anything I think I might need later for a craft project. I love re-using things!

    Anyway, I get so happy when I see something of mine that I'm not expecting to see. Just little things , mostly from childhood. I'm so excited that after all these years, I still have it! (then I realize I'm no longer a child, I'm in my 50's, so this stuff is OLD, like me) I'm amazed that through the passage of time, things like books, little trinkets, etc.; are still intact. For some reason, it's comforting.

    Today I found a little paperback book I must have read a thousand times when I was little, with Tweety and Sylvester.  I found a ceramic puzzle I made in high school ceramics class - I wish I had a picture of it to show you, it's really neat! There are four pieces, it's a rainbow with clouds. It took me more than  minute to put it together!

    I have a beautiful collection of fine porcelain spice jars I got from Lenox, with cats on them. I forget the name of the artist right now, but they are very realistic and pretty. I love them. So I need to get the shelf up and unwrap all of the jars, I think there are 24 of them. I bought them when I was in my 20s, and didn't have a lot of money. They came in sets of two, over a course of a couple of years. I'm glad I got them! But I have no plans to put spices in them.

     I also have a bunch of "Snuggle" figurines! They may be cornball, but I love them! The teddy bear is doing various laundry-related chores. I need to unpack these and see how many there are, I don't think I bought all of them.

    Later, I found some old clothes that I had forgotten about, and these were from my adult life, so I can still wear most of them. Clothing can bring on more memories than a lot of things- remembering good times you had, or places you might have been, or things you may have done while wearing a particular sweater or shirt. Any sweater my grandmother gave me has special meaning for me, and luckily, I still have almost all of them.

    I guess I better go, I have a big bag of stuff to look at!

This is some of my knick-knack collection before we moved. They have to be unpacked too! I love them so much!

There goes another week of summer!

 So there goes another week. I know time is an illusion, but I still haven't figured out how time can stand still and go at warp speed simultaneously.  So what have I accomplished this week?

1. Got some goodies: I've been putting off buying a new printer, but I really needed one. Finally I ordered it from Staples and got it delivered the next day. I love that! I don't love setting things up, though. It's wireless, and for some reason I had trouble setting it up, so I was just going to connect the USB cable. But it doesn't come with one. So I either need to find one of the ones I know I have here somewhere, or buy a new one. 

2. Job Seeking: There seem to be more activity director type jobs out there now in this area. I applied for two of them and had interviews this week. Too soon to know if I will be hired or not. 

3. Writing: I have picked up the pace lately, and it feels good. I have been writing letters to friends, doing blog posts, and more importantly in my journals. 

4. Planning: Been trying to get things organized, and since I dropped the ball on having a garden this year, I thought I could at least take stock of what I have to work with and plan for next year. I need everything--raised beds, flower boxes, whisky barrel containers, hose, garden tools, etc. I have to send away for or purchase firsthand the bulbs to plant in the fall, and possibly some shrubs so they have time to get rooted before winter. I would love to get things to attract birds-a fountain, bird bath, blue bird house just in case I can attract them, hummingbird feeders, etc. Imagine how nice the yard would be when I'm done.

5. Looking at and organizing photos: some of this is because I am working on my dad's memorial service, and it's just something you do when someone dies, go look at pictures of someone you miss seeing in person. But I also finally purchased a scanner machine so I can transfer all my old fashioned negatives onto a memory card and/or PC. Then I can crop, enhance, print, share, and make photo books. I can't wait. I haven't started this project yet, but I know it's going to be fun.

6.Think: I still spend a lot of time thinking. Reflecting, Praying, and trying to make the best of my new life. I don't know why I constantly analyze the passage of time, why do I wake up at exactly 6 am every morning? Why do I stay in bed when I should get up? Etc, etc. The biggest question of course, is what am I doing for the rest of my life, and how long will that be? Nobody knows.

I hope you are having a great summer, and take a moment to appreciate everything you have, and try to live in the moment!  Enjoy the rest of the weekend and take care of yourself!

This is me in 1988, feeding a horse in Needham. One of my old 35 MM pictures. Part of my old life!

Finding my Way Around!

 Being in a new town has it's challenges, if its far from where you used to live. You don't have any bearings. If you don't drive, like me, you have to learn how to use public transportation.

I'm not complaining, it's actually been kind of fun. First, seeing new places, and figuring out how to get where you want to go. And there are lots of places to go around here!

The town kind of reminds me of Waltham back home. There are lots of big buildings and triple decker houses in the city area.  There are churches everywhere you look, and they are huge beautiful structures.

I'm impressed by the number of malls they have around here, and how the bus system can take to to almost every place you would want to shop. You just have to learn how to transfer. The buses don't always overlap in a way that you can transfer without waiting too long, but once you get the hang of it, it's not that hard. The fare is only $1.25, instead of $2.00 back home. I finally got my hands on a hard-copy schedule, and it's so informative and detailed I'd have to be an idiot to screw up my trips now! I do rely on Google a lot to see how to get to places, but often the directions part that says when the next bus is coming doesn't work.  At home I used to have apps that told when my MBTA bus was coming in real time. I don't think they have that here, but I haven't really looked yet. For the most part, the buses are on time, which is great!

The other benefit is I'm lucky I can catch the bus going in either direction just by crossing the street from our new home. You can't get much more convenient than that. You can flag it down and it stops, as long as you aren't too close to an intersection. They don't have that many "official" stops, so when you use Google directions, you have to punch in the closest stop as your current location instead of where you really are and do the math.

The only bad thing I can say is, I must look old with my mask and cap on. They keep thinking I should be paying the senior citizen fare! Not that I'm offended, but I don't think I look that old!!

This is a view of across the street from my porch. I stand a little further down, and hopefully the neighbors don't come out and offer me a ride, or I don't annoy someone's dog. So far, so good! I still want to pursue my driver's license, but until I do, at least I'm savvy!

Running out of Time

I lost my dad a week and two days ago. I'm trying to stay busy because my routine is different now. My dad's death wasn't a surprise. I knew it was coming. But I just didn't know when. Knowing what a fighter he was, I probably thought I had more time with him than I really did.

When I thought about all the stuff my dad enjoyed and couldn't get around to doing anymore, it broke and still does break my heart. Procrastination can kill you.

 I wrote this poem a few days before he departed.

RUNNING OUT OF TIME

There will never be enough time

Even though my time is unlimited

All the things we wanted to do 

that got put off for another day

Because I was too lazy to go out

Or didn't want to brave the cold.

All the days the sun shone bright, and the breeze was fragrant with the smell of spring

And we never got outside

Because it might be too hard

Or too dangerous

Or we just were procrastinating

And another day

Became another week

Another month

Another year

Another Lifetime

We can reminisce about all the wonderful places we used to go, when we could still get around

And your eyes were sharp enough to drive

We can fondly remember the ordinary things we did daily that were clearly taken for granted

Meanwhile, there are boxes full of books you wanted to read, albums full of photos you couldn't bear to look at

Because we don't want to be sad

Knowing those people and places are gone

Boxes full of treasures that should be seen and appreciated sitting idle in the basement

Because we have no desire to unpack.

Unpacking would mean that we really are here

In this new place

To live "happily ever after"

even if we aren't.

There is a lot we could embrace, and be thankful for

But that would be giving in,

And admitting the dream is gone.

The dream, you see

Was just to have back 

what we never should have lost in the first place.

But as John Lennon said,

"Life is what happens when you were making other plans."

And the dream only remains 

in your mind and spirit

And all that's left behind, as I piss away another day 

Is a lifetime of regret that I let you down

and threw it all away.

So now I go on without you

and try to make amends

It's hard not to get misty reading that. It's dark and negative, but it is true. It hurts to think if I had done this or that, we would have had a better outcome. But I can't change what has already happened. I can only change the future. So I'm trying to do meaningful things.

I should clarify that I really do like it here in our new home, but it takes time to adjust to a new place after being somewhere else a half century!! I'll continue to try and live my life to the fullest. Even if it's not easy.

***

Too Much TV!

     I've been watching way too much television since I've been out of work.  We didn't have cable at home for the last five years or so, and we didn't really miss it except for the Red Sox and Bruins. We had over the air digital, but mostly we utilized our extensive collection of videos and DVDs.

      Now in our new home, Mom went wild and bought a huge TV and signed up with Xfinity.  We really didn't have a choice. The reception here is awful, and without the cable there wouldn't be any TV at all. While we were waiting to get hooked up, mom was stuck binge watching Perry Mason. I sure got tired of that theme song after what seemed like a couple of hundred episodes.

     It was weird watching cable TV after such a long time. But there are so many stations that it seems like I never see even half of them. I could be missing some good shows. When I try to channel surf, I run into dozens of channels we don't get, so I stop. I'm disappointed I don't get Turner Classic Movies, but I guess it doesn't matter now that Robert Osborne went to the big movie theatre in the sky.

     The sad truth is, I'm watching way too much TV. It seems like the day is a lot longer than 24 hours, and the TV is on for at least half the day. So what am I watching?

     SPORTS: It is nice to see baseball, and with fans in the stands and fewer masks, it's almost like normal.  So far the Red Sox are doing well. After missing so many games the past few years because I couldn't get radio reception at our old home, I like it.  

Until they were eliminated I had been watching the Bruins too, even though I can't stand the play by play announcer. I still miss Fred Cusick and Derek Sanderson.  I haven't watched too many Celtics games. I tried, but basketball just doesn't appeal to me anymore (Since probably 2008). 

      PBS: I really appreciate the Create channel. They show lots of cooking, travel, craft and how-to shows. My favorites include America's Test Kitchen and Cook's Country, The Free Range Cook from New Zealand, and The Scandinavian Cooking Show. But I watch a lot of others too, and most of the recipes look really good.  The travel shows have been refreshing, since I probably would never see any of these places otherwise.  

     OLD SHOWS:  METV shows quite a few oldies but goodies. I really don't have to watch Andy Griffith anymore, having seen every black and white episode approximately 30,000 times. But when there isn't a game on, it's still a good choice. It's a shame I had to read a book about what a jerk Andy was in real life. I try not to let that ruin it for me. Just shows what a good actor he is.  If I'm up at 8 AM I can enjoy Leave it to Beaver. Again, I've seen them all. But I don't get tired of them. I like to compare how different the shows are from the first season to the last.

I hadn't watched in years, so I started watching "Bonanza". I have noticed after a few months that there are three types of episodes, and they rotate: 1.  One of the main characters gets framed for a murder or some other crime.  2.  Either the main characters or guest star are going to be attacked by lynch mob, and can't get a fair trial. But it all turns out OK.  3. A lighthearted episode that isn't really funny.  4. Plot involves a love interest for one of the main characters or two of them compete for her attention. Not watchable. Every so often they throw in an episode that is actually interesting and enjoyable. Currently, they are showing season 12 of 14 seasons, so I'm waiting until the originals with Adam come back on. 

Late night they have Green Acres, Twilight Zone, and Alfred Hitchcock. I'm not usually watching TV at 3 and 4 am or I might watch Cannon and Barnaby Jones. I used to love these shows, but I just can't get into them now.  I am happy they show Highway Patrol with Broderick Crawford. Not so happy it's on at 5 am, But I have the dvds so it doesn't really matter.

     GAME SHOWS: I love the old reruns more than new game shows. Never liked the new Lets make a Deal, give me Monty Hall any day! Same with Bob Barker, even though Drew Carey doesn't bother me. Pat Sajak doesn't impress me, but I still watch Wheel of Fortune. Jeopardy is OK, but I wish they didn't make such a big deal out of replacing Alex Trebek. I think most of the interim hosts were OK, but I wonder how they got a chance to do it. I'm not going to lose sleep over whoever they choose.

Don't tell anybody, but I never liked Alex very much on Jeopardy. I never liked him at all until I saw him on Classic Concentration last year on Buzzr. I couldn't believe how sweet, charming and funny he was. I was shocked, to tell you the truth. So I like to watch Concentration. I think I have ESP because I often guess the same numbers the contestants choose!

Well, this post is getting very long, so I will close for now. This is most of what I watch. Next time I will delve into the best TV viewing--watching whatever you want on YouTube! Till next time, view wisely!