Happy Birthday Mike, Wherever you are....

Today is June 21st. To me, it's more than the first full day of summer. It's Mike's birthday. Who is Mike, you ask? The truth is, I barely know. Even worse, I don't know what happened to him since the last time we met, in late February, 1998.

Had I known it was the last time I'd ever see him, I'd have taken more than one photo. Or maybe it was the last shot on the roll. We're talking about ancient history here- no cell phone camera.  But the last time I saw him was epic. I hadn't seen him in weeks. He worked at Stop and Shop, was in college, and also had been working at another grocery store, Nature's Heartland, in Newtonville. 

I don't want to bog you down with too many details, but I'm writing this today in hopes that the Universe, or maybe someone out there will see this, and help me find this elusive guy I've never been able to forget. 

Sure, I tucked the memory of him away for a few years at a time. But one of the few things I did know was his birthday. In one of our few conversations at the store, I weedled this little bit of info out of him. 

Long story short, we lost touch. I'm sure I meant nothing to him, or he would have called me, or answered the birthday card I sent him the next year-if he even got it. By then he wasn't at Stop and Shop anymore. I didn't drive, so I couldn't pester him at his other workplace. I didn't have his phone number or address. 

Just the same, he was special to me. Over the years I've looked on Facebook, and Googled his name, but have never found any information. I've searched school yearbooks, and again, it's like he never even existed. I wonder if you've ever had the same experience.

I do have that one picture of him. But I can't help but wonder, what happened to him? I only knew he was taking business administration courses in college-what college? I have no idea, other than it was probably in Massachusetts.  Did he marry, have a wonderful family and a wonderful life? I sure hope so.  What line of work did he end up in? How come he's not on "Linked in"? 

If somehow you've seen this, Mike S, maybe you'll remember me. I'm the goofy customer who smiled at you every chance I got. I never had many chances to talk to you, so one day I gave you a card. Just one of those Hallmark cards that said things better than a real person can. Telling you how special you were. I threw in my observations of how hard you worked, and advised you not to work too hard!!  I was so nervous putting that envelope in your hand as I left the store. It was a couple weeks later before I saw you again, and I had a chance to chit chat with you. I remember asking what day was your birthday, and you told me it was June 21st. "The first day of summer", I said with a smile, and you smiled back at me.  That smile has been etched in my soul ever since.

I foolishly asked you how old you were, and if I ever time travel, I'll be sure not to ask. The difference in our ages was wider than I thought was appropriate at the time.   I put all thoughts of a romance out of mind, even though it must have been obvious I was crazy in love with you. I wore my heart on my sleeve, as they say.  Just being your friend would have been a consolation, but that didn't work out either.

The last time I saw you, I had the foresight to bring my pocket camera. I knew you'd never get around to answering all my questions, or bringing me a photo.  But you didn't object to my taking a picture. That was a small victory.  It was taken at the courtesy booth. How I wish there were selfies back then, so I could be in the photo with you.

What do I want to say to Mike, and why is it so important to me, after 26 years??? I'm not even sure myself. I barely knew this guy, yet he's had an undeniable impact on my life.  I drive myself crazy with all the unanswered questions I had then, and still wonder about. 

Mainly, I just want to know how he turned out. Is he happy and healthy? And selfishly, I wonder if he's ever once thought about me since those days.  Did he keep my card, or did it go in the trash, or get lost along the way if he did save it? Does he remember my name? Did I make some small impact on his life, with my words of praise and encouragement? I hope so.

 If he ever looks me up, I'm easy to find. 

But in the meantime, all I can say is Happy Birthday, Mike. Wherever you are. I wish you good health, happiness, and peace. 

Love,

Karin

PS- I spent so much time writing this post that it's now June 22nd!!

What A Difference A Year Makes: Thoughts on Another Year Past And Future

 My posts about the meaning of a new year have been about a mix of hope and despair; impatience, disappointment, and faith for a better future.

As I've mentioned before, the theme of New Year's (aside from partying) is self improvement, resolutions, and measuring the progress of your life. But for many of us, it's more of the same, and not much really changes except the seasons. If we have a comfortable routine, a good job, relationships, etc., why change it?  "If it's not broke, don't fix it".  At least that's always been my philosophy.  Maybe I didn't progress as much as I should have, because I never pushed myself too hard.

I'm happy to say that 2023 was a year of transition for me. All the "impossible" things I prayed for in 2022 and earlier actually came true.  It was as if all the planets aligned, and everything fell into place just for me.  Thanks to the plans of others, new doors opened and made the unlikely happen. So I'm back where I belong, closer to home.  

It may be a cliche, but life really is a journey. I believe everything really does happen for a reason, and the most difficult events along the way are lessons. And the people we meet while we're there are very important too. Maybe it just takes time to see it.

After I checked "coming home" off my list, there was still the elephant in the room, finding a job.   I applied for a good job, and found out immediately I didn't get it. Then I reached out to a former employer nearby. I thought I had secured a temporary job, and would be learning new skills. When that opportunity fell through, I became frustrated. But I kept looking, and interviewed for jobs in my field, and even ones I just thought I could do.

Finally, in mid August, I managed to land a job. By this time, my confidence was almost gone, and I really wasn't sure I could handle the physical demands of working 40 hours. The job wasn't as Director, but assistant. So I wouldn't be making decisions, or managing anyone. I'd just have to be able to show up every day, do my job, and come home.  After being out of the workforce for almost three years, even that seemed daunting. But I was grateful someone finally gave me a chance.

So now I could check "job" off my list, and what was left? Find a work/life balance, so I could continue to do all the things I enjoyed when I had time off.  Also on the list: take better care of myself, and lose all the weight I gained.

These are the works in progress I continue with today.  I struggle some days with fatigue, but I'm a little proud of myself for rising to the challenge.  Knowing that I CAN walk five miles during my work shift is a relief.  A year ago, that would have been out of the question.  I've gradually lost about 17 pounds, so now I need some new clothes.

In addition to all the improvements in my day to day life, there may have been a few subtle changes in me. I like to think that I've always been compassionate, but it goes a little deeper now.

2023 has been a hard, awful, terrible year for millions of people. It's hard for me to watch the news, and process all the suffering that other humans have to endure. Why were they so unlucky, while things went well for me?  I have gratitude, but a healthy dose of guilt as well.  Life isn't fair, and more often than not, it's tragic. I suppose that's another lesson I've learned, not to take anything for granted.

So where do I go from here? It seems like yesterday that I was young, but my mortality is another elephant in the room. I don't exactly fear it, but I know it will happen!  But until I do, there are still lots of things I hope to do. Places I want to see, people I want to meet.  I have career goals and aspirations that will only happen if I make them. And then there are the super duper dreams that I wonder if I should even bother trying to achieve.

Just knowing that change does happen, and it's up to me to push it along, is a great motivator. As I figure out my next move, I'll ask myself where I'd like to be a year from now, and what real steps I have to take to make it happen. Then the hardest part: Doing it!!

Wherever you are in your life, take care of yourself, and try to make your dreams a reality. If I can do it, anyone can!!